sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
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{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
My beach vacation Google searches
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.