6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
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Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
cry laughing at this shit
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
One venti cheeseburger please.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.