OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
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[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
An odd boast
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
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