I weigh at least 17 squirrels
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Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.