The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
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The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”