Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
You Might Also Like
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician