*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
You Might Also Like
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
*puts cutlery down*
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.