Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
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[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
What my back needs
Storm Tropical Storm
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”