See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Lmao