Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
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Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Still cracks me up
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.