I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
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Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
marvel comics have peaked
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke