[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
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Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I told my vodka about you.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!