When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
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Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.