Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Fat chances are my favorite chances