Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
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Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Herpes is trending, good job people
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles