“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
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[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful