Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
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Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.