*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
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“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
He’s cranky this morning
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.