“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
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DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Vodka burrito was a success
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I put the mess in domestic.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?