Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
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*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
peeping toms
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.