Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
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“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?