CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
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Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child