“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
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Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo