You’re the unreachable booger of people.
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Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!