Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
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9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
How dramatic are you?
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]