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Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
when u come home smelling like another dog
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.