I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.