a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
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Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.