Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
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This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
How I’d get arrested…
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
“what’s it like having a sister?”
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
there has never been a better use of this meme
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?