PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
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Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
this FaceApp is creepy af
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
*seductively eats two tums*
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
they really do be looking like this
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.