[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
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When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
This is so me 😂😂
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.