I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
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I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them