[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
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Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
then why did i get this email
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?