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The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.