My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
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luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.