I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
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Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I have a new favorite meme page
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.