when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
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Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Stop sending me this shit.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35