My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
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The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Meat Cute
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head