A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
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Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
everyone has that one prude friend
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*