Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
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I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*