We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
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No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
@funTweeters
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids