Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
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I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
This bar smells like my childhood.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
*struts into the new year
~ trips
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.