It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
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The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]