When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.