My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
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*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
honestly, i need both:
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious