I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
You Might Also Like
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Print is alive and well!!!
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]