All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
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The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Time for evil
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo