My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
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If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…