“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
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Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.