[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
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If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Not all heroes wear capes…
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”